The last two years of my life have been filled with much self-hatred and guilt over everything I've ever done wrong. I went on a quest to find this self that I've been convinced was previously destroyed by... toxic people? Work? Responsibilities? I don't know what I was thinking, but I'm realizing now that this is all the result of nothing more than my own insecurities. I was reading the blog of someone I used to know, an acquaintance. He was one of the few people I admired and thought would conquer the world, so to speak, when we were teenagers. Always talented and confident and attractive(but for clarification, not in a romantic sense to me), he seemed to have it all together, and my 15-year-old self wished I could be like that, especially considering he and I had similar career goals. In his blog, he recently wrote about how insecure and depressed and hopeless he feels. I wonder if he is unintentionally (or intentionally, who knows?) sabotaging himself with those feelings. He has the raw talent, the drive, even the motivation, but I firmly believe he could be more successful if he believed in himself like I had always believed in him. Well, I had an epiphany while reading my old acquaintance's blog. Here I've been so disappointed that he's lacking in the confidence he deserves, how he's allowing himself to wallow in this depression, his crutch, when I would be mirroring him if only I had the drive he possesses. Which means I’m not even at the same level as him. Where does that leave me then? That leaves me sitting in my house, having accomplished nothing career-wise, feeling insecure and talentless and hopeless, and not believing in myself like I should. I have to remember that it's not wrong to admit when I have a talent, it's wrong to second guess what talents I know I have, and it's wrong to deny myself the opportunities available out there in the world. I get so upset when Zach downplays his assets and talents, so why is it ok for me to do the same?
I also have to accept that I’m going to make mistakes, lots of people are going to dislike me for no reason, and I will always be prone to sticking my foot in my mouth. All I can do is try to think more before speaking (but not too much, otherwise I don’t say anything) apologize profusely when necessary, and stand my ground when an apology isn’t required. Now, I just have to figure out how to make my dreams come true…
