A New Day

I keep meaning to write new blogs, but I'll start them in a Word document, not finish them, and move on. I'm not sure if it's because once I get all the garbage in my life out of my system so to speak and rant about it I don't feel the need to finish the blog or post it. I'm not sure if it's because I want to write more positively in my blog. I'm not sure if it's because I want to say something more important than "Whine whine whine, people suck, I'm not happy, whine whine...". I know it's probably a little bit of each. I know I'm working on the inner happiness and struggling with the external happiness (and there is a HUGE difference!). I know that I'm frustrated with my weight, my family, my lack of confidence, my anxiety. I know that I'm growing very tired of watching other people make bad excuses for their behavior. I also know that I am working hard to figure myself out, to find a way to either accept the bad behavior of those around me or the inspiration to help them see how what they're doing sucks. I am working desperately on my fear of leaving the house alone. Wow, I'm kind of all over the place in this blog, let me restart:

It's 3 o'clock in the morning on Friday, November 18, 2011. I have spent a majority of this month either being disappointed, frustrated, or angry with almost everyone with whom I've come in contact. I'm fighting off some kind of cold or flu thing that just doesn't want to go away. My energy level is ok, but my pain is through the roof. I think all of this is connected, whether it's the pain causing the other stuff, or the other stuff causing the pain, but either way, I have to find a way to make it stop.

I finally started exercising again. I didn't work out at all for probably a month or two. I told myself (and everyone else) that it was because of my pain and energy levels, which is part of it, but I'm in pain right now and I'm exercising anyway. My routine is 35 minutes on the stationary bike, with free weights and my imitation Thighmaster for my arms and legs, and the stability ball for my core, every other day. About half the time, I do all of this begrudgingly, whining and complaining until I'm finished. Sometimes I feel better afterward, sometimes I feel worse, but I'm doing it, and I'm determined to keep with it this time. My mistake earlier this year was that I allowed myself to use the excuse of losing a bad friend and my dad going nucking futs to stop trying to get fit (which we all know means get thin). Half of the time, I'm perfectly content being overweight. I know that my body has always been just a little larger than my classmates. When I'm alone, I don't mind being overweight. Sometimes, I catch myself poking and squishing my blubber (hey, it's as good a word as any) when I'm on the computer or watching TV or reading, and I like the feel of it. I like eating, and cooking, and smelling food. When I see what other people eat to lose weight, I wrinkle my nose and think "Well, if that's what it takes to be skinny, count me out!". The other half of the time, though, I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate getting comments from other people on how if I just exercised and ate less, things would be better for me. Really? I hadn't thought of that! Thank you for opening my eyes! As though I haven't done just that. Last year, I was working out three days a week with my friend, and two days a week at home. I had a strict 1200 calorie a day food plan, and I tracked every single morsel that went into my mouth for seven months, whether it was a cashew or a chicken dinner, a glass of milk or a diet soda. It took me that whole seven months to lose a mere 24lbs (and for the record, my pain was worse after the weight loss if anything). So many other people who follow a similar system have lost 50lbs in the same amount of time. I don't get it... but I digress. This time around, I'm not going to follow my daily calorie intake per se, I'm just going to follow the food recommendations of a health and fitness guy, and I'm going to keep on truckin' with my current exercise plan. Most importantly, I'm going to work on my attitude. While I still don't want to be skinny, I do want to look good. I want to feel less bloated. I want to be able to not worry about my IBS flaring up because I ate something bad for me.

Writer's block has hit me with a vengeance. I'm not sure what's causing it this time. Probably stress. Which is why I am on here, spilling my guts on the internet. I need to get in the habit of writing again, and I'm sure the writer's block will start melting away. In the meantime, I've been working on sewing projects. I made my Halloween costume (a saloon girl)

a pair of fleece pajama pants

and a pair of arm warmers

 or whatever they're called. Nothing special, really, but I'm hoping that this creativity outlet will help with the other creative areas of my life.  Ok, I think I've done enough rambling in this post, let's see if I'll be able to get any writing done!

Serenading in the Moonlight

So much has happened, but I don't feel like writing about any of it. I have nothing profound to say. All I want is to sit in my loneliness, my envy, my aching body, and cry. I realize that this is just a moment of sadness, a blip on the radar. I have been having more good days than bad days lately, but during those times I find myself too busy to write about them. It always seems that I take the bad things in my life and replay them over and over, all the while reminiscing about the good times and feeling sorrow for their departure. It is easy to focus on the wrongs in my life, my misery, and for me, it is easier to write when I am sad. My journals are always morose, bleak in the worst way. I never realized before just how hard it is for me to record the good in my life. The way I see it, there are a couple of reasons as to why I do that. Number 1: I don't feel as though I deserve the happy things, and I metaphorically self-flagellate by ignoring the positives. Number 2: I feel more comfortable with negativity. It is something I grew up constantly hearing. This is a behavior I have been working hard to overcome. I hope I succeed.

Be-Leave

I believe in fun. I believe in honesty. I believe in being open with everyone. I believe in stepping out of your comfort zone. I believe in loyalty. I believe in apologies. I believe in doing it anyway, even if you’re scared. I believe in standing up for what’s right. I believe in tough love. I believe in self-discovery. I believe in calling people out. I believe in playing dress up. I believe in destiny. I believe in discipline. I believe in prayer. I believe in dreams. I believe in being content with what you have. I believe in the paranormal. I believe in moving forward. I believe in the power of words. I believe in preparedness. I believe in redemption.

I don’t believe in sweeping problems under the rug. I don’t believe in deceit – any form of it. I don’t believe in giving up on “kids stuff” just because you grew up. I don’t believe in hiding from despair. I don’t believe in pretending to care about someone. I don’t believe in ignoring the problems of the people around you because they make you uncomfortable. I don’t believe in settling. I don’t believe in hurting someone because you are too embarrassed to tell the truth. I don’t believe in giving up on dreams. I don’t believe in praising God in one breath, and hurting one of His creations in another. I don’t believe in pretending “bad things” don’t exist.

Last and definitely not least:

I don’t believe in giving up pieces of yourself just because others find them unacceptable.

I don't think that’s everything I do and don’t believe in, but it’s a good start. I may start randomly adding in new “believe” and “don’t believe” ideas later, but for now this will have to do or it’ll never get posted.

DeedleeDee

I’ve been meaning to write a new blog, but my life has been a little topsy-turvy lately, and I didn’t know where to start. First things first I suppose:

Zach got a new job, only a few months after he got laid off. I cannot express how grateful I am for that, because we never had to dip into our “Just-in-case” savings account, and so many people are having such a difficult time finding jobs. He ended up taking a 1 year contract with IBM that pays more than he was making before he was laid off. The extra money means we can finish the projects around the house we had put off because of cost. The contract means that Zach has a year to find a new job, in case they don’t renew his contract next year. Unfortunately, Zach can’t get health insurance or vacation time because it’s just a contract position. Hopefully, he can find a new job with benefits before the contract runs out. Thankfully, he also seems to like the job enough that this year won’t be miserable for him.

I joined a sewing circle with Zach’s grandma and aunt, and a few of the ladies from his aunt’s church. Sometimes, my mother-in-law takes the day off to join us too. I think it’s good for me. The group has only met a few times so far and I’m already feeling more accomplished with projects I’ve wanted to work on. I’ve got two new sock animals done, I made a dress for the 1940’s WWII Ball Zach and I attended last weekend(which was a blast, I forgot all my problems for one evening), and I’m getting ready to start a cute retro apron. I think after that, I’m going to make another dress. I think it’s fun!

Staceyland had been nearing completion to the full extent it is capable. I could see and feel my eyes coming back to life. Just as hurricane and tornado-ravaged towns will always have reminders of the devastation, cracked foundations and other small reminders that you have to know are there to be able to see them, so is Staceyland scarred. I am choosing not to cover these imperfections, but set up memorials of the time I spent forgetting who I was, a reminder of what can happen if I’m not careful.

Unfortunately, I’ve been dealt another blow, and it’s family related, so I don’t have the luxury of removing myself from the drama. I feel as though I’ve been under rapid-fire attack for a few years now by some unseen force, as crazy as that may sound. Every time I make the tiniest progress in Staceyland, something explodes in my life and I have to take a time-out from everything. I’ve been having trouble sleeping again, and when I can sleep I’ve been having nightmares again. I’m taking medicine almost every day for pain again. I’m falling behind on my to-do list again. I’m losing my vocabulary again. I’m edging toward the “D” word again. I think even my weight is creeping up again. I’m not sure what to do about all of it.

I’m so tired of talking about the family problems right now, I won’t even bother explaining them in detail. Let’s just say my father and I are no longer on speaking terms, and although he is clearly the “bad guy” in all of this, I somehow appear to be the pariah of the family. I never knew standing up for your mother was such a horrible act… silly me (excuse my sarcasm). I’ve never been averse to airing my dirty laundry, and really I don’t care much for privacy (I have trust issues), and though I understand that some people feel the need to hide or cover up their bad deeds and the reprehensible actions of the ones they love I cannot for the life of me follow suit, no matter how embarrassed or ashamed I may be by the truth.

I’m making a list of everything I believe in and a list of everything I don’t believe in. I think when they’re finished, I will post them here.

Animals in Time

The last two years of my life have been filled with much self-hatred and guilt over everything I've ever done wrong. I went on a quest to find this self that I've been convinced was previously destroyed by... toxic people? Work? Responsibilities? I don't know what I was thinking, but I'm realizing now that this is all the result of nothing more than my own insecurities. I was reading the blog of someone I used to know, an acquaintance. He was one of the few people I admired and thought would conquer the world, so to speak, when we were teenagers. Always talented and confident and attractive(but for clarification, not in a romantic sense to me), he seemed to have it all together, and my 15-year-old self wished I could be like that, especially considering he and I had similar career goals. In his blog, he recently wrote about how insecure and depressed and hopeless he feels. I wonder if he is unintentionally (or intentionally, who knows?) sabotaging himself with those feelings. He has the raw talent, the drive, even the motivation, but I firmly believe he could be more successful if he believed in himself like I had always believed in him. Well, I had an epiphany while reading my old acquaintance's blog. Here I've been so disappointed that he's lacking in the confidence he deserves, how he's allowing himself to wallow in this depression, his crutch, when I would be mirroring him if only I had the drive he possesses. Which means I’m not even at the same level as him. Where does that leave me then? That leaves me sitting in my house, having accomplished nothing career-wise, feeling insecure and talentless and hopeless, and not believing in myself like I should. I have to remember that it's not wrong to admit when I have a talent, it's wrong to second guess what talents I know I have, and it's wrong to deny myself the opportunities available out there in the world. I get so upset when Zach downplays his assets and talents, so why is it ok for me to do the same?

I also have to accept that I’m going to make mistakes, lots of people are going to dislike me for no reason, and I will always be prone to sticking my foot in my mouth. All I can do is try to think more before speaking (but not too much, otherwise I don’t say anything) apologize profusely when necessary, and stand my ground when an apology isn’t required. Now, I just have to figure out how to make my dreams come true…

Smile, darn ya, smile!

My plan didn't work out like I had thought it would. I spent exactly one day in bed feeling sorry for myself. What I hadn't taken into account when I decided to take a week to mope around and collect my thoughts was that when you're having a big public vulnerable moment, people flock to you. People keep inviting me/us out, and in a desperate attempt to not be ungrateful, I haven't yet said no to anyone. We've been eating better now that Zach has been laid off than we did when we had income and I cooked most nights of the week. We've had so much support and so many people are praying for us, and so many people are trying to help Zach with networking and job searches. In the midst of all of this love and support, I'm not ok. I'm pretty sure this is what I was talking about in my last blog, the whole putting on the "I'm ok" mask and then falling apart at the seams...

Zach has been contacted about a potential job. It's a contract job that lasts only three months but pays about 2/3 of what he made all year last year. Sounds great! The one problem? The job is in California, so if he gets this job, he'll be living in California for three months... I'm very torn about this. On the one hand, it's a lot of money. On the other hand, we'd be apart for a long time. I don't know, is money so important that I'd be ok with him being gone so long? Or am I being silly worrying about it in this economy? Of course, that's saying he even gets the job.

I can barely think straight, and though I had a lot more to say, I think I'm just going to go to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.

There will be an answer, let it be

I spent all day Tuesday in bed. I wasn’t sleeping a lot of the time, but I just couldn’t seem to get myself out of bed. I think the dreaded “D” word has crept into me. The one word I hate using above all others. Depression. This week has been such a jolt, an overwhelming disappointment, that I can’t figure out how to deal with it. My wonderful, hard working husband got laid off from his job last Friday. On Tuesday morning, I had to get up early (and even though it’s only Thursday now, I can’t for the life of me remember why… damn this brain fog!!!), and when I was finished with what I had to do, I jutted out my lower lip and crawled back under the covers. That’s when I had an epiphany of sorts. I could stand myself up, dust myself off, brush my problems under the rug and put on the “I’m ok, really!” mask, showing the world that I’m not a big, whiny, self-centered baby.

OR

I could allow myself to feel the entirety of this misery, of this desperate fear, the massive disillusionment I’m experiencing this week. I could delve into the deepest pits of Staceyland, sort through it all, and come out the other side knowing I dealt with this well enough that I can move on. I knew that if I swept my feelings about this under the rug, I would eventually have to deal with it anyway, probably not as well as I could right now, with the focus I have this week. I decided I needed to confront this thing now, face-to-face, if I was ever going to learn from it. My final decision? It’s ok for me to feel sorry for myself this week. I’m going to be a big, whiny, self-centered baby, and unapologetic at that! I’m going to think about the list we made when Zach was told he was getting a raise and insurance. The list we wrote in anticipation of being able to spend a little more money. On this list were things like a new home office setup, finishing up the backyard, finally getting me a diagnosis, Zach going back to school to get his bachelor’s degree. I’m going to mourn that list this week, and I’m not going to feel ashamed about pouting.

This whole experience has so far taught me a very uncomfortable lesson about humility. We had planned for the possibility that this would happen someday, even before we were married. We started a savings account while we were engaged that turned into the “Just in case Stacey’s not working and Zach gets laid off” fund. It’s enough to get us through a few months of no income. We did this out of a desperation to be “grown-ups” and not have to rely on other people if worse came to worse. When we weren’t in trouble financially, I had no qualms with letting someone else pay for my meal or buy me something, because I knew I could give something back if they needed it. Now that people are giving to us and we have no way to pay them back, I’m having a hard time not feeling guilty. Now that worse has come to worse, and people are offering things to us, like help with paying to get my sewing machine fixed so I can work on my stuffed animals and food (we’ve hardly paid for a meal all week), I’ve had to learn to accept the caring gestures, because we obviously need it. I normally don’t feel comfortable with offers of help, because I’m proud and I want to be self-sufficient (as a husband and wife team), but I’m overwhelmed with the kindness that has been shown to us this week.

I think this whole thing could also be the clincher to the strange year or so I’ve had. All the loss of self, all the self-doubt and self-hatred, is coming to an end I think. That monster in the back of my mind, the voice I’ve been trying to stifle, the voice telling me all the terrible things I’d been hearing for over a year from a real person who was supposed to be a friend, has been rearing its ugly head since Friday. Maybe it’s happening like this so I can get through all the garbage in my head that has been swept under the rug for far too long. I wonder if, instead of being stubborn and trying to ignore my issues away, I’m supposed to get rid of all of the terrible crusty film in my mind all at once, the self issues and the money stuff simultaneously. Maybe the “D” word decided to show up now to give me a way to stop and just BE for a while, to do a little spring cleaning for my soul, instead of trying to push forward so forcefully.