Tired, sick, and fat

I had hoped to start a juice fast this week, but the juicer I wanted is not sold in stores around here, and I’m not going to settle for something other than what I had decided to buy.  My old juicer was a Jack LaLanne model, but the peg that holds on the blade is plastic and surprise, surprise, it broke.  I decided to go with a different model this time, went online to do some research, and found one I could get excited over.  Then I found out the closest store carrying these machines is a good hour’s drive from our house.  Now, I have to order it online and wait until next week or later to start the fast.

My hope is that this fast will help clear out my system and get some nutrients into my body.  I got a really horrible cold two days after Thanksgiving, with sore throat, runny nose, crazy cough, the works.  I was almost well for about a week, thankfully in time for Christmas and our 5^th Anniversary.  Although I was still weak and tired, I thought I was on the way back to health.  Then, the day before New Year’s Eve, I started getting a rash on the right side of my chest.  I got weak and tired again, and my body ached.  We thought that my rash was caused by the water in the hot springs we bathed in on our Anniversary, but it spread to the nape of my neck and my back (also on the right side).  Just after New Year’s, I got a fever and started sleeping all the time, and someone suggested maybe it was Shingles.  Since we don’t have health insurance still, I can’t go to a doctor, so I may never know for sure what this is.  The rash has started healing, but now my throat is sore and I’ve got a fever again.  By my count, I’ve only been moderately healthy one week or less since Thanksgiving.  I’ve been trying to eat healthier, but that’s hard to do when I’m not well enough to cook and the only thing Zach knows how to do is get takeout.  I’ve been trying to continue exercising, but every time I try, I just feel worse.  I don’t know what else to do, so now I’m trying the fast.  Hopefully, nothing but fresh fruits and vegetables, followed by yogurt and working up to healthy food will help my immune system and I’ll finally be well.  We are also going to be going around the whole house with Lysol wipes, which we do a couple of times a year.  I just want to be healthy.

Sour to Bear

As another year has rounded out, and my mind is finally starting to clear properly, and I’m beginning to feel almost human again, I figured I needed to do some hardcore reflecting. 

2010 and 2011 were rough years for me, emotionally and physically.  I’ve been trying to find ways to relieve my pain and fatigue without a doctor, since we lost our insurance both of the last two years just as I needed it.  I’ve been working on my diet, supplements, exercise, heat therapy, and sometimes I think I have a handle on things.  Other times, like right now, I can hardly get out of bed and I feel so hopeless, so useless, so sluggish and fat I wonder why I’m even here.  That whole “This too shall pass” has sort of become my mantra.

Last year, when I was trying to free myself from a toxic friendship long after the friendship had ended, I had a hard time being ok with my emotions.  I had been told repeatedly that I felt too much and needed to shut it off.  In my heart, I knew that was wrong, but I was lost and the only lighthouse I found led me into the rocky shoal instead of away from it.  When I started back on my way to feeling normal (or at least normal for me), my dad had a midlife crisis or something and almost tore the family apart.  My three immediate family members here in Colorado are the only close family I’ve had for most of my life and this year didn’t just affect my relationship with him, it had all four of us at each others’ throats and I was, as usual, the odd man out.  I was the one dissenting voice who had no choice but to throw up my hands, shake my head, and disconnect myself.  I thought I had lost the only family I’ve ever really known, as screwed up and dysfunctional as we are.  It broke my heart.  I’m still disappointed in my family, but we are at least speaking and spending holidays together right now.  It took me years to get the kind of relationship with my dad that we could sit and talk and not get angry.  I was so excited when we got to that place a few years ago.  I thought my dad had grown up a little and become a better person.  When all of the midlife crisis stuff happened, it made me feel like an idiot for trusting him.  This time will probably take even longer for me to believe anything he says, or not be angry with him, but thankfully he seems to be working on moving forward.  We’ll see how long it lasts.  I hope his health holds out long enough for him to repair all the relationships he needs to fix.

Of course, the exact time in my life I need people to talk to, lean on and support me is the exact time in my life I shouldn’t be trying to make new friends, or dumping all of this on my old friends who don’t really have time for me anymore.  I especially hate unloading this all on my poor husband, who works so hard for me anyway without my emotional neediness to get in the way.  I’m so afraid to talk about things with other people and scaring them away.  If it’s one thing I’ve learned these last couple of years it’s that people don’t like you when you need them.  So, if you’re trying to make new friends during an emotional crisis or an identity crisis and they find out about it, chances are you won’t see them again, at least not without awkwardness. 

Have we really become a society of people who become annoyed with others’ vulnerability?

Everyone has problems.  Most people have problems so big they can’t handle them alone, yet they try to anyway.  With that behavior usually comes a jaded heart and a self-centered attitude.  “Well, I have my own problems to work out; I can’t take on yours too.”  If everyone with all these huge soul-eating issues would just open up and help each other get through it all, maybe the burden wouldn’t be so much to bear, and we wouldn’t all be so annoyed with one another.

What I learned in 2011

For some reason, when I’m going through a tough time emotionally, the one person I need support from will be the one person who refuses to support me.

People don’t change; they just get really good at hiding their faults.  If I wait and watch long enough, I’ll see the old them make another appearance.

When someone needs me to be there for them I need to be there for them, but be real with them; they don’t need to be patronized.

It’s human nature to hurt others, but I can’t let people wronging me stop me from giving my heart to as many people as I can anyway.

Sometimes, showing my vulnerabilities to the people who love me (or even people who like me, or barely know me) is ok.  If they criticize me for it, that’s their problem.  I shouldn’t let it get to me.

I have always been a procrastinator and being “sick” or whatever you want to call it has completely exacerbated said procrastination.  It's why this blog is going up almost a week into 2012.  I need to work on that, as soon as I get my health in check.

I should never let other people’s opinions of me influence how I feel about myself.  I will probably do it anyway.  It’s in my nature to care what other people think and feel.

Nobody in the world is loved by everyone.  I am fantastic the way I am, and some people just don’t know how to handle me.  I need to be constantly reminded of these facts, see above.

Life is fair, people are not.  I hate the saying “Life’s not fair, get used to it” because it gives people a reason to be selfish and coldhearted.  “Fair” doesn’t necessarily mean “totally awesome all the time”.

I have to stop second-guessing my creativity.  My talents are not mediocre.  None of them.