I spent all day Tuesday in bed. I wasn’t sleeping a lot of the time, but I just couldn’t seem to get myself out of bed. I think the dreaded “D” word has crept into me. The one word I hate using above all others. Depression. This week has been such a jolt, an overwhelming disappointment, that I can’t figure out how to deal with it. My wonderful, hard working husband got laid off from his job last Friday. On Tuesday morning, I had to get up early (and even though it’s only Thursday now, I can’t for the life of me remember why… damn this brain fog!!!), and when I was finished with what I had to do, I jutted out my lower lip and crawled back under the covers. That’s when I had an epiphany of sorts. I could stand myself up, dust myself off, brush my problems under the rug and put on the “I’m ok, really!” mask, showing the world that I’m not a big, whiny, self-centered baby.
OR
I could allow myself to feel the entirety of this misery, of this desperate fear, the massive disillusionment I’m experiencing this week. I could delve into the deepest pits of Staceyland, sort through it all, and come out the other side knowing I dealt with this well enough that I can move on. I knew that if I swept my feelings about this under the rug, I would eventually have to deal with it anyway, probably not as well as I could right now, with the focus I have this week. I decided I needed to confront this thing now, face-to-face, if I was ever going to learn from it. My final decision? It’s ok for me to feel sorry for myself this week. I’m going to be a big, whiny, self-centered baby, and unapologetic at that! I’m going to think about the list we made when Zach was told he was getting a raise and insurance. The list we wrote in anticipation of being able to spend a little more money. On this list were things like a new home office setup, finishing up the backyard, finally getting me a diagnosis, Zach going back to school to get his bachelor’s degree. I’m going to mourn that list this week, and I’m not going to feel ashamed about pouting.
This whole experience has so far taught me a very uncomfortable lesson about humility. We had planned for the possibility that this would happen someday, even before we were married. We started a savings account while we were engaged that turned into the “Just in case Stacey’s not working and Zach gets laid off” fund. It’s enough to get us through a few months of no income. We did this out of a desperation to be “grown-ups” and not have to rely on other people if worse came to worse. When we weren’t in trouble financially, I had no qualms with letting someone else pay for my meal or buy me something, because I knew I could give something back if they needed it. Now that people are giving to us and we have no way to pay them back, I’m having a hard time not feeling guilty. Now that worse has come to worse, and people are offering things to us, like help with paying to get my sewing machine fixed so I can work on my stuffed animals and food (we’ve hardly paid for a meal all week), I’ve had to learn to accept the caring gestures, because we obviously need it. I normally don’t feel comfortable with offers of help, because I’m proud and I want to be self-sufficient (as a husband and wife team), but I’m overwhelmed with the kindness that has been shown to us this week.
I think this whole thing could also be the clincher to the strange year or so I’ve had. All the loss of self, all the self-doubt and self-hatred, is coming to an end I think. That monster in the back of my mind, the voice I’ve been trying to stifle, the voice telling me all the terrible things I’d been hearing for over a year from a real person who was supposed to be a friend, has been rearing its ugly head since Friday. Maybe it’s happening like this so I can get through all the garbage in my head that has been swept under the rug for far too long. I wonder if, instead of being stubborn and trying to ignore my issues away, I’m supposed to get rid of all of the terrible crusty film in my mind all at once, the self issues and the money stuff simultaneously. Maybe the “D” word decided to show up now to give me a way to stop and just BE for a while, to do a little spring cleaning for my soul, instead of trying to push forward so forcefully.
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