Sour to Bear

As another year has rounded out, and my mind is finally starting to clear properly, and I’m beginning to feel almost human again, I figured I needed to do some hardcore reflecting. 

2010 and 2011 were rough years for me, emotionally and physically.  I’ve been trying to find ways to relieve my pain and fatigue without a doctor, since we lost our insurance both of the last two years just as I needed it.  I’ve been working on my diet, supplements, exercise, heat therapy, and sometimes I think I have a handle on things.  Other times, like right now, I can hardly get out of bed and I feel so hopeless, so useless, so sluggish and fat I wonder why I’m even here.  That whole “This too shall pass” has sort of become my mantra.

Last year, when I was trying to free myself from a toxic friendship long after the friendship had ended, I had a hard time being ok with my emotions.  I had been told repeatedly that I felt too much and needed to shut it off.  In my heart, I knew that was wrong, but I was lost and the only lighthouse I found led me into the rocky shoal instead of away from it.  When I started back on my way to feeling normal (or at least normal for me), my dad had a midlife crisis or something and almost tore the family apart.  My three immediate family members here in Colorado are the only close family I’ve had for most of my life and this year didn’t just affect my relationship with him, it had all four of us at each others’ throats and I was, as usual, the odd man out.  I was the one dissenting voice who had no choice but to throw up my hands, shake my head, and disconnect myself.  I thought I had lost the only family I’ve ever really known, as screwed up and dysfunctional as we are.  It broke my heart.  I’m still disappointed in my family, but we are at least speaking and spending holidays together right now.  It took me years to get the kind of relationship with my dad that we could sit and talk and not get angry.  I was so excited when we got to that place a few years ago.  I thought my dad had grown up a little and become a better person.  When all of the midlife crisis stuff happened, it made me feel like an idiot for trusting him.  This time will probably take even longer for me to believe anything he says, or not be angry with him, but thankfully he seems to be working on moving forward.  We’ll see how long it lasts.  I hope his health holds out long enough for him to repair all the relationships he needs to fix.

Of course, the exact time in my life I need people to talk to, lean on and support me is the exact time in my life I shouldn’t be trying to make new friends, or dumping all of this on my old friends who don’t really have time for me anymore.  I especially hate unloading this all on my poor husband, who works so hard for me anyway without my emotional neediness to get in the way.  I’m so afraid to talk about things with other people and scaring them away.  If it’s one thing I’ve learned these last couple of years it’s that people don’t like you when you need them.  So, if you’re trying to make new friends during an emotional crisis or an identity crisis and they find out about it, chances are you won’t see them again, at least not without awkwardness. 

Have we really become a society of people who become annoyed with others’ vulnerability?

Everyone has problems.  Most people have problems so big they can’t handle them alone, yet they try to anyway.  With that behavior usually comes a jaded heart and a self-centered attitude.  “Well, I have my own problems to work out; I can’t take on yours too.”  If everyone with all these huge soul-eating issues would just open up and help each other get through it all, maybe the burden wouldn’t be so much to bear, and we wouldn’t all be so annoyed with one another.